I’m Sick

Yep. Working around sick people finally got me. I’m (finally) writing an update from the comfort of my couch, all bundled up (in a heavy coat, sweats and uggs), pounding fluids, Vitamin C, zicam, and yes, i started antibiotics (despite knowing this is most likely viral etiology). You see, i’m suppose to have chemo tomorrow and i REALLY just want to get it done, so i’m doing everything i can to feel better so we can start cycle 5 of chemo (out of 8) and not have it be put off a week (which would really mess up things considering my birthday is next week).

I can’t believe i actually want to have chemo tomorrow. That is the complete opposite of how i’ve been feeling for the last few rounds….i even told Carson that he might have to drag me into chemo kicking and screaming because i DO NOT like it. And to be honest, cycle 4 was really really hard on me mentally. I had chemo one week before Christmas and had NO holiday spirit and i just sort of spiraled into a dark place. I won’t go into details but it was bad and i’m glad i’m not in that place anymore. Yes, i know i should see a therapist. Yes, i have one but with the holidays, it was hard to get together. But 2020 i know i need to work on my mental health……step 1…..I’m attempting to work on finding Joy in all that i do, including chemo. So bring on cycle 5. I can do it and i’m going to be ok.

It’s funny that it takes an illness (another illness) to get me to slow down. I’ve spent the last 12 weeks (4 chemo cycles) taking minimal time off and working as much as i can….not going overboard, but just to keep myself occupied. But working at a hospital comes with risks….and working around sick people means that i can get sick too. I need to make an effort to wear a mask AT ALL TIMES (which i rarely do). So now……i’m slowing down (for today) and hope, and pray, that i can get chemo tomorrow.

My first post: A confession

I have cancer.

I have wanted to say that, maybe even scream that, to every person that I have seen and talked to over the past 11 days.  But it is not polite to scream things at random people (because you would be considered a crazy person), so I have been silent.

But now it is time to share. 

I have cancer.  Colorectal cancer to be exact.  And it is Stage 3 (T3cN2 to be exact).

I needed to get those words out before I begin sharing my story with the interweb. And i promise i will be blogging my story and updating as much as possible.

But for now, i have cancer. I am 40. I have no family history. I have no risk factors. I am in the best shape of my life. I have no pain. I am a physician. Cancer was never on my radar. But now, it is the #1 enemy and there is no alternative other than to beat it.